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letters i never sent

November 18, 2011

would i know what to say? if you were here right now. if you just showed up right in front of me. would i have words to express to you how much and how long i have missed you and wondered and worried? knowing that i was wrong, that MY mistakes and MY weaknesses tore us apart, would you want to hear if i did?
or would you just not care to hear anything from me?

would you know what to say? would you even have anything to say to me? would you need to be angry? would you want to tell me exactly what damage i did? or would you have any feelings or thoughts about the matter at all?

it must seem to you as though i just walked away and forgot that you existed. it’s not as though you had any evidence to the contrary. and as the days and weeks and months and years went by did you wonder why i never called or wrote or came to see about you? those years are so very long for a child. were you aware of the rules i was bound by? or did you believe i just didn’t care.

there is no way words can erase all that time. no magic combination of sentences can just take away what you thought and felt for all that time. no catching up or taking back the hurt and the unanswered questions. nothing can fill up those years with anything other than what was.

not a day has gone by that i did not think of you. you are in every moment, every thought, every breath, every heartbeat. sometimes i am overcome by feeling of loss and guilt. there were so many days that i wandered around feeling that i had misplaced something very important or forgotten some vital appointment or errand. then suddenly i would realize that what i was searching for was YOU and there was nothing that could be done about it. i was not going to find you in the top of the closet or in a notebook or under the bed or in that box of random i was obsessively searching through.

so many letters i began. notebooks full of them. rambling and lost and never finished. certainly never sent. that was against the rules.

i thought those rules were ridiculous and harsh. i thought they were wrong to separate us so completely. they said no contact would help you “adjust” better. did it? did you forget after a few months that you had a different life before? i don’t think so.

i was wrong to contact you last year. i know that now. apparently, all the “adjusting” was shattered by a sudden and shocking “Happy Birthday”.

i had searched for so long for any sign of you and there you were all of a sudden. i read your blogs and you seemed like you may have had some issues but knew how to work through them. you were always so self-reliant and well balanced. even when you were 2, you would work things out for yourself rather than ask for help. it was amazing to watch the way you would just figure it out and go on about your day. you would just stand back and assess the situation, decide if you could fix the problem or not. if you could, you did. if not, you would tell calmly someone there was a problem and move on. the same with emotional issues. you would think through it, say what you had to and get past it.

but some things just change everything. some things make a strong person doubt everything they know to be true. and a child is a child no matter how strong and sure of themselves they are. so that one sudden simple “Happy Birthday” may have well have been an earthquake. if any of the things i was told about it were true, my timing was way off as always. as usual, my good intentions did more damage than i had already done with my incompetent clumsy efforts to keep you with me or my absence.

talk about opening pandora’s box. if things were chaotic on your side, you can be certain they were just as chaotic here and still are. for me it feels like everything that happened years ago is still happening. i hope it is not like that for you. i pray that things settled down for you and your family. i tell myself that you are in a stable situation with a healthy sane family and you are alright. but i have no way of knowing for sure, just as you had no way of knowing that i didn’t forget you for all those years.

well, this is turning into one of those long rambling letters i never sent. i should shut up now. i can’t undo anything. i can only say i am more than sorry for screwing up again. i can never seem to make the small fixable mistakes, i always have to go for the major distastrous ones and i am so sorry.

i love you. i never forgot about you. i pray that you are alright and happy.

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