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Anna Faye (My Pretty Little Adrianna)

December 23, 2011

This is the 5th time i have tried to write this. My fon is just very uncooperative when i really really have something to say.
So here goes…
You are in my thoughts again this morning, as every morning. In those moments, just before waking but not still asleep, you are there. I smell your hair…that baby smell of johnsons shampoo and lotion combined with the sweet sweat of your sleep. Your tiny hands curled, sometimes in my hair, sometimes holding the breast you are nursing from. Such soft, perfect skin. They say all babies have that skin, but i don’t believe so. You were my fifth and your skin was softer, more radiant, so perfectly angelic. Even when you cried, you never got that red angry look, just sweet mewling sounds out of a perfect tiny mouth, not complaining, just letting us know there was a problem. Like your sister, when she was a baby, you would cry for a moment, then look around to see if anyone was going to respond…if the first tiny squawl got no results you would increase the volume a bit and try again.
That was the month that I knew you. The one month, after your birth that I was blessed to stay home and be your mother. That you knew me. Well you knew me already, having grown inside me for nearly 8 months. My body was too tired to carry you for any longer, and though tiny, you were healthy by some miracle. So tiny that your sister dressed you in some of her doll clothes at times. The hospital would not let me take you home until you were 5 pounds. NEVER had I seen, much less held such a tiny child. They said your angelic complexion was due to you being born so early. Something about your pigments not being that of a full term infant. But I don’t believe that. I believe that you brought a bit of Heaven with you and it showed.
No. You were not planned. You were a miracle! I could no longer carry past 12 weeks and believe it or not, I actually miscarried a baby WHILE I was pregnant with you. You were conceived on February 21st of 1998, but I was pregnant already from November 1997. Strange but true, and from what I understand now, not as uncommon as you might think.
Around Easter weekend, I miscarried, not yet realizing that YOU were HERE. And to STAY! Such a BIG tiny miracle! It was really amusing to your “Aunt Tracy”, who could always tell such things, to show me the second pink line and watch the breath leave my body and the color leave my face exactly on week after the miscarriage. No not because you were not wanted, from fear that I had harmed you. I had what I thought was a hangover and had been headachy and pukey all day. So every concievable scenario went through my mind and landed hard on my heart.
But you were PERFECT! Little perfect Angel-Doll.
Even your birth was an extraordinarily memorable. Not just like every birth is special and miraculous. No, YOU made your way into the world outside the womb in a way no one would ever forget. Stubborn and takin your time, but still so easy and painless. It was as if you were considering being born, but wanted to check out the situation first, before you made up your mind.
I had just worked a doubled shift for the second time in a row and come home at 9:00am, almost to tired to sleep. Just as i was dozing off, that familiar pressure said “GET UP AND GO PEE! NOW!” So I stumbled to the bathroom, intending to go right back to bed after this annoying business was done with. This was not to be. As soon as I stood up from the toilet and made it almost to the bathroom door, that sudden gush literally soaked my jammies all the way down and pooled onto the floor. Some women will tell you stories about thinking they peed themselves, but for me, I knew that feeling too well. And I couldn’t move. There was no pain other than the steady dull ache in my lower back that had been with me since your fourth month. I couldn’t move because the floor was wet and I was afraid to slip and fall. So I called to your father. “BAABAA! Wake up! Could you come help me? oh! put your shoes on and be careful” He knew the drill. Sleepy and disoriented he bounced right in ther and scooped me up, brought my to bed, found some clean (well dry) jammies for me and mopped the bathroom floor, while waking other children and calling the hospital. I told him not to call. “I’m not in labor. My water broke but I am just to tired for this right now.” LOL yes he did Laugh Out Loud. He was NOT taking any chances, Having nearly been forced to deliver your sister 4 years earlier.
So he called and put me on the phone with the nurse, who insisted that I stay in bed for about half an hour and see if labor would start on its own. NO i was not to walk around to start the labor and if it didn’t begin in half an hour, I was to proceed directly to the hospital so they could start it for me. No one knew how early you were at that point. We just thought you were small because of health problems I had and ME not being able to gain weight (something you obviously inherited)
The labor didn’t start. Your sisters and brother were up, B—-i being her usual psuedo annoyed, aloof teenage self, but unable to completely hide her excitement. D—-l being calm, helpful beginning to clean things up in preparing for your arrival. The only boy, exactly in the middle of four sisters, counting you. S—–n sitting by me on the bed, hand on my belly, where it had been at every opportunity since you were known to be. Always helpfull and empathetic “does it hurt mommy? do you want anything to drink? they said you’re supposed to breathe like this if it hurts…” And your father, barking orders, checking dilation and reporting to the hospital, getting things ready to bring to the hospital. All I was trying to do was get some rest before it was time to go, but that adrenaline had kicked in and though I was exhausted, there was no chance of sleeping.
Our neighbor/best friend/your chosen God-Mother had never had a baby naturally. Hers were by C-Section and she wanted to be present in the delivery room. That was great with me. It is so comforting to have a woman present. Men are proud daddies and great breathing coaches, your birth dad was always great, but they simply can’t comprehend all the emotions that come with feeling your child leave the safety of your body and venture into this world. Yes, it is wonderful! You want so much to meet this new little person face to face that you have loved and sheltered for so long. To touch their little hands and cradle them next to your heart that they have heard beating since they could hear. But, there is fear. How will I protect you, now? How will I keep you safe from the harshness of the world, when you are out in it? There is as deep a sense of loss as there is joy, but that is only during the birth. As soon as the child is in your arms, there is only joy. Only another mother can understand something like that. Dads think they are superman and cannot imagine what in the world there is to cry about.
It took all day. They induced labor, but it wouldn’t take. Like I said, I was too tired and you couldn’t make up your mind. I did walk the halls for a while in an attempt to speed up the process, to no avail. After we were dilated 5cm, they made me lie back down. It wasn’t safe for you at that point. Once again they started the drip to induce labor. It took this time. They gave me an epidural when the pain started. That slowed things down again and i slept for a bit. Then it was time. We all crowded into the delivery room. And I was too tired to push. LOL! I tried…so hard…there was no reason in the world for you to get stuck. You were so tiny! So, your dad and the midwife took turns pressing down on my belly with each contraction while i pushed as hard as I could muster. B—– J- asked if she could help and they showed her where to put her hands and she did. Finally your little head popped out, freeing the way for the rest of you and you were in the world.
With white fuzz all over you!

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