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Letter to …

August 5, 2014

I’m sorry. I took a bad situation (for me) and made it worse for both of us. I was glad you are having fun, but dreaded the consequences I would face when you came home to reality. 
I could have taken another clonipin, pretended to be sleep, gone to sleep at GMA’s for the night. Or just listened to all the belittling, and said nothing. 
You stopped answering me when I asked where you were. And I thought F—-n would keep you out all night and likely get you laid. That always causes men to start shit when they get home. 
So I took a shot of amaretto. Continued to wash clothes, then D—-l came over and took swig. Then S—t came over and chugglugged so I wanted to go to toddy. At some point on the way , I decided I didn’t want to go home right away.
One bad decision led to another and another, but I made it very clear that I was married and we were only having a night out apart
I doubt you would have answered me, even if I had a signal, but I did try to call. And text. And when I realized just how late it was, 3:30 while I thought it was like midnight, I knew I was dead anyway. But was to chicken to say ” let’s go NOW ” and K——-a was all about staying and playing with S—t. I just went along.
Like I said, I could have done so many other things than what I did. 
And definitely should have FOUND a way to call, at the very least. 
You are right, I talk to much, I don’t do anything right and I have very unconventional goals, that are sort of expensive, but that I believe will pay for themselves in the long run. I’m not a good wife and no matter how hard I tried, was never a good as someone else.
I have tried to change my basic character for whatever my husbands wanted me to be so many times, but never could pull it off. I stopped trying to please you the day you told me I couldn’t come home, because of B—-i talked some shit about me. It hurt so much that you believed her, not me, and judged me accordingly.
I should have simply tried to tell you how it felt (you wouldn’t have listened). Most of the things she said you already knew and the rest were just lies.

I will never be good enough for you or your friends. I don’t know how. And I don’t know where to go from here.


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