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Letter to …

I’m sorry. I took a bad situation (for me) and made it worse for both of us. I was glad you are having fun, but dreaded the consequences I would face when you came home to reality. 
I could have taken another clonipin, pretended to be sleep, gone to sleep at GMA’s for the night. Or just listened to all the belittling, and said nothing. 
You stopped answering me when I asked where you were. And I thought F—-n would keep you out all night and likely get you laid. That always causes men to start shit when they get home. 
So I took a shot of amaretto. Continued to wash clothes, then D—-l came over and took swig. Then S—t came over and chugglugged so I wanted to go to toddy. At some point on the way , I decided I didn’t want to go home right away.
One bad decision led to another and another, but I made it very clear that I was married and we were only having a night out apart
I doubt you would have answered me, even if I had a signal, but I did try to call. And text. And when I realized just how late it was, 3:30 while I thought it was like midnight, I knew I was dead anyway. But was to chicken to say ” let’s go NOW ” and K——-a was all about staying and playing with S—t. I just went along.
Like I said, I could have done so many other things than what I did. 
And definitely should have FOUND a way to call, at the very least. 
You are right, I talk to much, I don’t do anything right and I have very unconventional goals, that are sort of expensive, but that I believe will pay for themselves in the long run. I’m not a good wife and no matter how hard I tried, was never a good as someone else.
I have tried to change my basic character for whatever my husbands wanted me to be so many times, but never could pull it off. I stopped trying to please you the day you told me I couldn’t come home, because of B—-i talked some shit about me. It hurt so much that you believed her, not me, and judged me accordingly.
I should have simply tried to tell you how it felt (you wouldn’t have listened). Most of the things she said you already knew and the rest were just lies.

I will never be good enough for you or your friends. I don’t know how. And I don’t know where to go from here.


Beautiful Girls…All Grown Up

Reading the first post i wrote on here, I see that it was published the first day of Yule. So, I is appropriate to write another to you today, on Easter (or Eostre).
You girls are so grown up. It is hard to believe how long it has been and looking at you two, so beautiful, so full of spirit, makes my heart glad.
I know there have been troubles in the past few years. If someone had told me your Momma was sick, well there is probably nothing I could have done except send a Get Well Card or two…and maybe not even that without upsetting anyone. Pray…that is what i would have done. A LOT! That is something I do anyway, pray that you all are doing well and happy.
As for the other troubles, it is sad, and I hope your Momma is doing ok with the situation (whatever it may be at the moment). And ya’ll, too. Who knows why these things happen even in the best of families, but they do and it always seems like the end of the world at first. S—–N, I can see that you have tried to be there and supportive for everyone, in your usual loving way. A——A is so much like you, I just know she tried to hold things down by herself, too.
A——A, I cried when I watched the videos you made for S—–N. It hurt to see you hurting and to know she was somewhere missing her little sister. The one with the two of you singing made me happy. So glad that the separation is over now. And hacking her page? LOL! Now, THAT was funny. It looked like she was argueing with herself!
Both of you have so much personality and … FLAIR..i guess that is the word. Originality and random fun, it is easy to see that your parents knew how to nurture the gifts God gave you, and help you grow. Not that ya’ll had nothing to do with your own wonderfulness. LOL! Your Momma and Daddy will likely agree that kids raise their parents while the parents are raising them.
Your Momma wrote that God blessed her with ya’ll. She of course remembers the date. I could not remember the date that I agreed for ya’ll to go with her, 2 weeks before they were actually certified as foster parents. I only remember the date you were taken from me. I am glad she wrote it. Now I will have a day to be happy for what happened instead of a day to mourn.
No I am NOT glad that I lost ya’ll, but that is done. I AM glad and grateful that your parents were there and love you both so much. It was so scary thinking that you could be moved from place to place, separated and worse.
But, there they were, with open arms and hearts, like they were waiting just for YOU. You girls deserve to have parents who love you AND have their sh– together.
I love you and M—–l loves you, but neither of us were stable enough to make a good home for you.
LOL as usual i didn’t finish this yesterday. Another letter I didn’t send.
I am afraid to publish this. Afraid that ya’ll may get upset that I still check to see what is going on in your lives. Just please know that I will not interfere or try to insinuate myself into you and your families lives in any way. Writing blogs that you may read and that playlist I made are as close as I will get to actually communicating with either of you. It caused so much trouble last time I tried and, again, I am so sorry.
Enough seriousness! Heres hoping you two had a GREAT Easter and every day!
If you wonder sometimes what goes on with me….I have rented a small apartment in Goldthwaite, TX.
My life is sort of funny these days. I got married to Terry 2 years ago on Feb 21. Then last summer, I found out he was still married and our marriage isn’t valid. Sort of a relief cause we don’t really get along like that. LOL!
I have a little property thatmy dad left me when he died, but there is not a liveable house on it for me. Don’t know when I got so unmotivated. A few years ago, I would have just built one. There IS one crazy structure I started on out there. Was trying to see if I could build one out of pallets like my Dad did. Got it to stand up and haven’t worked on it since. So there it stands…a bunch of bare pallets staggered in a big square, with no walls.
Also there was no hot water hooked up to my lil camper, so when one of my daughters moved out of this apartment, I moved in. It IS a lot less depressing. 🙂 All the conveniences of living in the 21st century (at least somewhen after the 16th LOL) Maybe my house of pallets will get finished this summer.
The apartment belongs toa sweet drunk lil old lady named Mrs. Ruth. I don’t drink anymore and she amazes me! She may be tipsy all day, but she handsews quilts, makes colectable dolls, gardens (well i do that. supposed to be doing it right now) and all sorts of other crafts. She has a gazillion bird feeders in the yard and every morning I wake up to the sounds of birds in the yard and the rooster next door. The rooster is i little confused, though. He crows all day and night. He must think the headlights are sunrise or something.
Right now there are 7 (Yes SEVEN!) cats in my house. They were outside cats at the camper, but they all caught some kind of kitty flu and Terry (the fake husband) brought them here, so we could get them well. Soooo…it feels like i am covered in cat boogers and fur. Eeewww!
Well it is nearly noon and I am still staring at this tiny phone, when I should be out planting something. Its already late in the season to plant, but Mrs. Ruths garden was not tilled when i got here. It takes me a long time to work the soil cause of my back.

The Hole (p2)

He was tempted to climb down without turning it on, but if they checked his en-time, he would get another reprimand. To touch the cool green of the plant side and then the sand grit of the white side might almost be worth it. He sighed. No, being planet-bound for another galday would not be worth it. He could touch the samples in the Vidfeel and be happy with that.
He kicked his bootheel and felt the pull of gravity let go of him. He held up his right hand toward open space over the hole to guide the suit and began to move. Careful to stay at least 2 meters from any plants, Klark still got as close as he safely could.
Soon though, even the fascination of self-grown plants could not hold his attention.
He had already seen that what looked like a huge cavern from the vid, was the chasm, canopied by the vines and dead branches. It seemed to go on forever, green shadows and light. He heard echos that got louder until he realized he was listening to running water.
It was easy to figure out how they had missed this in the mapping. After they had found the tiny flesh-life surviving just 3 meters b-terra in the North-Half Green, they had stopped sound and light mapping. They relied on vid only for fear the tiny fragile creatures would be harmed by the alien frequencies. These large vines were hidden in the tangle of dead branches, but the green of them looked just like the surrounding terra. The only reason he had noticed it was because he had noticed a shadow with nothing to cast it.
“BAAaa!…aa..aa” ?! If he had been standing on terra, he wold have jumped 5 meters! Since he was hanging weightless on nothing, he froze. Only a miliclick passed before Klark remembered to make a fist and stop his descent.
WHY had he NOT used the flesh-life-finder? There was no flesh-life that could be seen without a megazoomvid anywhere else on this planet! What if there were aero-life like on the redsand planet? Were the plants vocal like on the Green planet? All these and other thoughts raced through his mind and solidified into an action. LOOK DOWN!
Klark had been so engrossed in the fascinating green-brown shiny shadows of the vast area under the vines, that he had not realized how far into the hole he was. He had not even looked at the vid. He did not look at the vid, now. But he did look down.
His feet hung approximately 1 1/2 meters above what appeared to be a fabricated structure. The covering was slanted and made out of flat rectangles of shiny grit. They had seen shiny plates in the portals of the made-caverns of the North-Half Green. These were not transparent, though, so he could not see if this contained the same made-things that he had seen there.
The vid had found motion and followed it. The sound came from one of the quad-walkers that were gathering at the edge of the made-cavern. There were several standing and more progressing toward them, all staring at him. They were covered with fur that was not fur. It looked more like the plant fiber balls in the vidfeel they had found self-growing in the North-Half Green. White and fluffly. They were not flesh-life eaters. This was evident from the bits of green still sticking out of some of their long solemn faces. Some still chewed. Some just stared. The ones still gathering made the sound repeatedly as they advanced.
Just as he was thinking they didn’t seem aggressive, Klark heard a very different sound. A low quiet but mean sound from behind him. He turned to find another quad-walker on the terra. As soon as he made eye contact, the being made a sharp LOUD sound and began trying to launch itself to the top of the made-cavern. Klark felt a compelling need to get higher, though it was obvious it couldn’t bounce high enough to reach him. He made himself stay put and turned back to the fluffy plant chewing quads.
That was when he saw the bi-walker.

The Hole

“WOW! It IS really beautiful!” High Captain Klark thought aloud. The sound of his vocal thought softly echoed back at him, off the white rock on the other side of the chasm.
He had seen it from the outer atmosphere while trying to get a good video of the moonrise from planet-view. Jackie Marilyn always asked him for videos of the Moonrise, and he tried to bring as many back as possible. Especially since they had had to blow up our own moon two years ago. Such a sad affair. “years ago..years” Realizing he was speaking aloud again, Klark jerked himself away from the hatch and set about getting as close to the chasm as safely possible. After initial investigation, he would get his anti-planetgrab out and start taking samples.
It was easy to see why no one had noticed before. As it was, He could barely see it as a hole from groundlevel. The green twisted vines, some as big around as the tree trunks they grew upon, had somehow attached themselves to the trees on the other side and created a sort of canopy/tarp all the way across. The dead branches of trees that were caught in them disquised the whole thing as a brush-filled flat area. You couldn’t see any difference between it and the surrounding planet-ground. Terrain “errain…train…train”.
He looked at the viewer. No real need to, as the viewer found it’s own way around, but he liked to see everything first.
“What is it? How new is it?”, his ear asked. “It is not new.” he answered, “It is very old. The trees on the plant growing wall are at least 200terracycles old and the stone on the white side has been worked with tools.” He prepared himself for the inevitable high-pitched declarations of denial and was not disappointed.
He knew what he was saying was impossible. He also knew what he was seeing was real. He dreaded that what he knew and what he saw would bring hoards and swarms of knowledge greedy finders to sample this beautiful sight to death. They thought that every inch of this planet had been mapped. HA! But so had the original inhabitants, who were gone over 300terracycles, and THEY had left no record of this. This was no little oversight. The chasm began here, as an almost straight drop-off about half a kilometer wide, where he was standing. He stood on the NorthNorthWest side. To the NorthWest, then bearing North, the edge of the deep hole curved in an almost perfect half-circle around to the other side. Gradually, the edges changes from lush green plant to rocky sparse withering to smooth white rock. At the top, on the other side, the ground seemed to take up where it left off from here.
Looking behind him, Klark saw fairly flat ground, brushy and interspersed with tall trees…sort of woodsy, but not thick jungle. You could easily walk through most of it. There were a couple of places one would have to light-clear the brush, first. All in all, pretty but boring. There was nothing to even hint that this spectacular wonder lie hidden smack in the middle of the South-Half GreenTerra. But here it was, and spectacular it was!
Klark went back to the Planet-pod to get his anti-planetgrab.

Anna Faye (My Pretty Little Adrianna) P2

The white fuzz was the first sign that you were early. I didn’t know what it was, but it looked like you had glittering … down all over you. Glowing sort of. I asked what is that? It’s nothing, they have this on them when they are about a month or so early. It WAS like tiny down feathers! With this perfect peaches and cream complexion under it. From what I understand now, the “feathers” protected your skin during and after being born. Since my water broke hours and hours earlier, it was all you had to protect you from chafing. If you had been full term, you would have been all red and your little skin would have felt raw from trying to get out without any fluid easing the way for you.
So there YOU were! Tiny, beautiful, covered in shiny “feathers”, yet another indication you came straight from Heaven. A month early but perfectly healthy (despite my hangover)
You already had a name. We all named you months and months before. As soon as we knew you were a girl (which was as soon as i new of your existence, your dad could always tell too. the sonogram just verified what we knew)
You are the youngest of five children, all named for songs. Now you know where your music comes from. I couldn’t write songs like you can, but I chose names from songs I liked. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I had named you all something else. The songs seem almost as through they were prophetic, now. Like maybe I sealed our fate as a family with the lyrics.
Adrianna-for the song by Vince Gill, Faye for a very dear best friend who passed in January 1998. Bowers because I was still married to B—-i and D—-l’s dad. And I thought you were his! I still had not figured it out. Yep, I am jus a lil slow at times. When they said you were early, I should have realized right then that you were M—–l’s. But you had B—-i’s features, too. LOL turns out you got them from me. And the glasses (sorry, really bad eys run in our family from my dad)
They didn’t let you come home until you were a whole 5lbs, but you were hungry so that didn’t take long.

Two days. Partially because you were underweight and partially because I was dehydrated, exhausted and got my tubes tied. Mainly because we both just needed some peace and quiet and REST!
This was perfectly fine with me. I wanted time with you. Just you! Time to hold you and just look at you, without the hecticity of home and the cleaning that needed done.
You were born on what was supposed to be my day off. Cleaning day. And the house was a mess…so II thought.
Little did I know, your brother and sisters and Dad were very busy preparing a surprise for our return.

Anna Faye (My Pretty Little Adrianna)

This is the 5th time i have tried to write this. My fon is just very uncooperative when i really really have something to say.
So here goes…
You are in my thoughts again this morning, as every morning. In those moments, just before waking but not still asleep, you are there. I smell your hair…that baby smell of johnsons shampoo and lotion combined with the sweet sweat of your sleep. Your tiny hands curled, sometimes in my hair, sometimes holding the breast you are nursing from. Such soft, perfect skin. They say all babies have that skin, but i don’t believe so. You were my fifth and your skin was softer, more radiant, so perfectly angelic. Even when you cried, you never got that red angry look, just sweet mewling sounds out of a perfect tiny mouth, not complaining, just letting us know there was a problem. Like your sister, when she was a baby, you would cry for a moment, then look around to see if anyone was going to respond…if the first tiny squawl got no results you would increase the volume a bit and try again.
That was the month that I knew you. The one month, after your birth that I was blessed to stay home and be your mother. That you knew me. Well you knew me already, having grown inside me for nearly 8 months. My body was too tired to carry you for any longer, and though tiny, you were healthy by some miracle. So tiny that your sister dressed you in some of her doll clothes at times. The hospital would not let me take you home until you were 5 pounds. NEVER had I seen, much less held such a tiny child. They said your angelic complexion was due to you being born so early. Something about your pigments not being that of a full term infant. But I don’t believe that. I believe that you brought a bit of Heaven with you and it showed.
No. You were not planned. You were a miracle! I could no longer carry past 12 weeks and believe it or not, I actually miscarried a baby WHILE I was pregnant with you. You were conceived on February 21st of 1998, but I was pregnant already from November 1997. Strange but true, and from what I understand now, not as uncommon as you might think.
Around Easter weekend, I miscarried, not yet realizing that YOU were HERE. And to STAY! Such a BIG tiny miracle! It was really amusing to your “Aunt Tracy”, who could always tell such things, to show me the second pink line and watch the breath leave my body and the color leave my face exactly on week after the miscarriage. No not because you were not wanted, from fear that I had harmed you. I had what I thought was a hangover and had been headachy and pukey all day. So every concievable scenario went through my mind and landed hard on my heart.
But you were PERFECT! Little perfect Angel-Doll.
Even your birth was an extraordinarily memorable. Not just like every birth is special and miraculous. No, YOU made your way into the world outside the womb in a way no one would ever forget. Stubborn and takin your time, but still so easy and painless. It was as if you were considering being born, but wanted to check out the situation first, before you made up your mind.
I had just worked a doubled shift for the second time in a row and come home at 9:00am, almost to tired to sleep. Just as i was dozing off, that familiar pressure said “GET UP AND GO PEE! NOW!” So I stumbled to the bathroom, intending to go right back to bed after this annoying business was done with. This was not to be. As soon as I stood up from the toilet and made it almost to the bathroom door, that sudden gush literally soaked my jammies all the way down and pooled onto the floor. Some women will tell you stories about thinking they peed themselves, but for me, I knew that feeling too well. And I couldn’t move. There was no pain other than the steady dull ache in my lower back that had been with me since your fourth month. I couldn’t move because the floor was wet and I was afraid to slip and fall. So I called to your father. “BAABAA! Wake up! Could you come help me? oh! put your shoes on and be careful” He knew the drill. Sleepy and disoriented he bounced right in ther and scooped me up, brought my to bed, found some clean (well dry) jammies for me and mopped the bathroom floor, while waking other children and calling the hospital. I told him not to call. “I’m not in labor. My water broke but I am just to tired for this right now.” LOL yes he did Laugh Out Loud. He was NOT taking any chances, Having nearly been forced to deliver your sister 4 years earlier.
So he called and put me on the phone with the nurse, who insisted that I stay in bed for about half an hour and see if labor would start on its own. NO i was not to walk around to start the labor and if it didn’t begin in half an hour, I was to proceed directly to the hospital so they could start it for me. No one knew how early you were at that point. We just thought you were small because of health problems I had and ME not being able to gain weight (something you obviously inherited)
The labor didn’t start. Your sisters and brother were up, B—-i being her usual psuedo annoyed, aloof teenage self, but unable to completely hide her excitement. D—-l being calm, helpful beginning to clean things up in preparing for your arrival. The only boy, exactly in the middle of four sisters, counting you. S—–n sitting by me on the bed, hand on my belly, where it had been at every opportunity since you were known to be. Always helpfull and empathetic “does it hurt mommy? do you want anything to drink? they said you’re supposed to breathe like this if it hurts…” And your father, barking orders, checking dilation and reporting to the hospital, getting things ready to bring to the hospital. All I was trying to do was get some rest before it was time to go, but that adrenaline had kicked in and though I was exhausted, there was no chance of sleeping.
Our neighbor/best friend/your chosen God-Mother had never had a baby naturally. Hers were by C-Section and she wanted to be present in the delivery room. That was great with me. It is so comforting to have a woman present. Men are proud daddies and great breathing coaches, your birth dad was always great, but they simply can’t comprehend all the emotions that come with feeling your child leave the safety of your body and venture into this world. Yes, it is wonderful! You want so much to meet this new little person face to face that you have loved and sheltered for so long. To touch their little hands and cradle them next to your heart that they have heard beating since they could hear. But, there is fear. How will I protect you, now? How will I keep you safe from the harshness of the world, when you are out in it? There is as deep a sense of loss as there is joy, but that is only during the birth. As soon as the child is in your arms, there is only joy. Only another mother can understand something like that. Dads think they are superman and cannot imagine what in the world there is to cry about.
It took all day. They induced labor, but it wouldn’t take. Like I said, I was too tired and you couldn’t make up your mind. I did walk the halls for a while in an attempt to speed up the process, to no avail. After we were dilated 5cm, they made me lie back down. It wasn’t safe for you at that point. Once again they started the drip to induce labor. It took this time. They gave me an epidural when the pain started. That slowed things down again and i slept for a bit. Then it was time. We all crowded into the delivery room. And I was too tired to push. LOL! I tried…so hard…there was no reason in the world for you to get stuck. You were so tiny! So, your dad and the midwife took turns pressing down on my belly with each contraction while i pushed as hard as I could muster. B—– J- asked if she could help and they showed her where to put her hands and she did. Finally your little head popped out, freeing the way for the rest of you and you were in the world.
With white fuzz all over you!

Good Memories

oh wow! i remember shaunyn today. (everyday really but this is a really cute memory that carries no guilt or sorrow. rare) she was almost three and living in north carolina with me. it was chilly and we didnt have a fenced yard, so she was riding her tricycle round and round in the house. i was cooking but she wanted a snack so i hadgiven her a piece of bologna to hold her till lunch.
after a few minutes, i noticed she was “driving” through, the kitchen and making regular stops at the back
door. curious. she drove away and i looked out
the door (glass) to see what was so interesting.
nothin. realizing i wasn’t seeing from her angle, i
squatted and looked … at the half eaten piece of
bologna…stuck securely on the glass for
safekeeping, till her next trip. 🙂